It was great on the 24th when I came out from my Introduction to Astronomy exam and I knew I have no more exams left. I've survived everything, I could have done better but I needed to learn - this was my first semester, this is the time when you get to know how it all works and you try to fit in, try to do what you can and then summarise your experiences and make sure you'll definitely do better in the next semester. I'm going to do that.
I'm home for almost a week now. I'm doing workouts every morning, practising with drawing, sewing a blouse, meeting my friends but somewhere I don't feel that well. I had some quite interesting thoughts lately on my life and they just come out of nothing, telling me to stop everything, asking me why am I doing everything and it feels scary when your mind starts to question your own existence. I cried a lot yesterday because I was afraid I'm going to do something I'd never wish to. I'm afraid of suicide and I'm even afraid of these thoughts, I just don't know what shall I do to make these stop - because they just appear so suddenly. I'm really thankful to my friends who aren't lazy to phone me back when I need them. Sometimes I hate people in general because of what I can see. I hate theft, I hate abuse, I hate agression and violence in real life and it's just insane how much they are around. On the other hand I always realise that I desperately need people - those who are good, who I can thank, who I can just hug for some second and whoever tells me I'll be alright. Because I need to be alright. I have to admit how much I'm scared sometimes.
I'll try to focus on good things - believe me, I've been trying and it does work quite often...
And it was just hilarious when I got laughed at my face because I'm studying Earth Sciences and just science in general, by those who believed it so-so much that on 21.12.12 it had to be the end of the world. Well, hopefully see you when I'll ever have a certificate. I'll be pushing to get one.
I hope you guys are all well! I'm sending all my best wishes to every part of our world. It would be just so good if it worked. <3
Love you and thank you for reading if you did,
Listening to: Depeche Mode - Strangelove